So, there's a lot of tension in the household right now, and no one is really getting along. My parents are constantly upset with each other, which seems to cause a domino effect -- they're also constantly upset with me, for small reasons or for no reason. It's like while they're avoiding talking to each other, I'm their main focus.
Naturally, when there's so much tension, there's little to no 'family time' -- when there is, it's uncomfortable, and all we do it sit around the tv. So when I'm not at school or work, I'm usually out with a friend or on the computer. That's their main complaint about me -- they even say they're "concerned" about the amount of time I spend out or online.
There is nothing to be concerned about as far as the way I spend my time. When I go out, I only go to the mall or a movie, and online I'm only talking to my friends and playing games. They also complain I never spend time with them, but I don't understand how they can say that when they are always off doing their own thing as well. Even though they're not in the room with me, they'd rather I spend my time by myself watching tv like they do, than interacting with friends and playing online Scrabble. I just can't understand this, and I'm having a hard time dealing with them always putting me down for something or other. It's not just these issues, it's other little things here and there too. My mom seems to look for things to complain about, and my dad gets angry at the littlest things or nothing -- when he comes through the door, it seems like he's upset just being home.
Until the tension is gone and people start getting along again, I really just need my space. And I'm tired of being made to feel bad at least once or twice a day. I guess I'm just asking if anyone has any advice, or other input? Thanks.|||As a Psychologist I have to tell you that honesty has to be your best friend. Ask your parents if you can talk to them in private and explain to them exactly why you are spending so much time on your own. Tell that their fighting is starting to cause the "Domino" effect and the unhappiness is almost too much for you to beat. Explain the reason you are online so much is that you are merely seeking solace with your friends from all the problems. Tell them that you wish they could try counseling or try to at least work on their problems because you love them so much and wish that their fighting wouldn't affect the family so much. Trust me not only as a Dr. but also as a parent that we sometimes forget or don't realize how much our "personal or adult relationships and problems" affect the lives of our young. Tell your parents how much you love them and how much you wish you could enjoy spending quality time with them again. Hug them and reassure them that you are doing nothing wrong.
Peace, Love %26amp; Happiness|||move out|||this might sound mean, but all you really have to do is live with it|||I really feel bad for you, and as usual, I wish I had the perfect answer for you. All if not most of what Nick says is very relevant and true. As you know my own situation is a bit different as my dad left us when I was eight though he was a master at being critical and making one feel bad. I think it may be worse when we have a parent who's a big time professional and they bring the stresses of work home with them and then let it off at the easiest of targets, their defenseless kids. That's called transference by the way. My dad used to always say, staying inside all day is not good, but he never provided me alternatives when we were just around home and often all I could do by myself was to go for a walk. In those days all there was was television and only two or three channels no less. At least with the internet you're not participating in a totally passive experience. I was never much for reading, but it's really not much different than being on the internet, the thing is your parents probably wouldn't think bad of it if you were sitting beside them engrossed in your own world reading a book.
The one thing Nick didn't suggest was for you to just come right out and say how you feel and why. I know how hard that can be and it's complicated by our intense internal emotions, but by not saying anything you could actually make yourself both physically and mentally unwell. I'm a depressive bipolar and I feel that if I hadn't gone through all the negative emotions of turmoil both in and outside the family I may well not have become bipolar. I was certainly lonely and depressed much of my childhood, especially in my teens, and with each depression I could feel when my immune system was down and vulnerable to contracting a cold or the flu which I often did. Emotions really have a much bigger role than just making us feel bad, so finding healthy outlets becomes all that much more important. One healthy outlet is intelligent expression of those feelings to that which is bothering us, if that can't be done though, going to a movie or spending time with good friends is a very rational alternative, even if it doesn't get at the root problem.
For some people all they can do is make the best of a bad situation, get an education or get a job and strive for financial independence so they can move out to live their own lives. Your dad is a thinking man who needs interpersonal understanding to do his job well, so I would hope he'd have it in him to try to understand YOUR feelings also.
And ditto for your mum more or less too.|||the thing i would suggest you do would be to explain to your parents how your feeling, they might not know your feeling this way and that your aware of any tension that's in the air, once they know this things just might come out in the open ((Good Luck))|||Parents are sometimes strange in that they look at their kids lives in theory. Our lives seem easy and insignificant to my dad - he constantly talks about what we should be doing and ignores the things we've achieved. And of course, he doesn't do the things he tells us to do.
I guess I don't project confidence in my abilities so my parents don't really think that I know what I'm doing or how to get along in the world. And I think that might be the issue in your house. I think maybe your parents are just unsure of what you're going to do in the future and how you're going to make your way in the world, so they criticize.
Marriage and kids are a huge responsibility and I think parents can just get tired of it. They feel pressure to keep everything going.
My only advice is to maybe give some well thought out reasons when they criticize. When they say something about you being in your room too much, you might just say "well, there seems to be a lot of tension around here lately and I'm trying to escape it". Now, if that will set them off I wouldn't do it. But that's an example of a straight-forward answer.
The other thing is to maybe let them know what your plan for your life is as soon as you get one, and if you don't know, be honest and tell them that.
Lastly, and my brother is the master at this, you can listen very politely to what they say, nod, and then do what you want. My brother never does anything that my dad tells him, but he appears to be listening. It really works. But the sad thing is, a lot of times parents looks at their kid's lives as less significant and their kids as incompetent...... it's just the way things work.
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